When school is stressful for your kid, you probably want to help, but, you don’t want to make it worse by accident. Every intervention is risky - when you offer to help you can end up taking all the blame when things go wrong, or you might send your kid on the wrong track. Sometimes you will need to intervene - especially if your kid is in an unfair or discriminatory setting - but other times, the easiest choice is to STOP doing things that aren’t working.
I work with my clients - parents and students - to cut out things that aren’t working. This type of strategy is sometimes called via negativa - making progress by removing what doesn’t work. Nassim Taleb explains “it is easier to know that something is wrong than to find the fix.” When we stop making things worse, sometimes it makes things better.
This article focuses on strategies that might work best in Grade 6 and up, but the principles are the same for lower grades, you might just need to provide more support.
Let’s look at 3 things you can stop doing when your kid is stressed at school:
DON’T make every conversation about school
Stress about school happens when a kid finds what they’re doing at school is taxing and uses a lot of mental or emotional resources. If the stress is destructive, it also suggests the kid doesn’t have a lot of great idea for how to make school less taxing. So, it makes sense that you, as a parent, want to relieve their stress and make school less draining….and yet, if you think back to being a kid, you might remember how stressful it is when your parents only want to talk about your biggest problem. It sends the message that, if this problem doesn’t get solved, there will be a serious problem or inadequacy in your child. (This happens even if you talk about it in a happy tone; it’s what you’re spending your attention that sends the message).
The solution is pretty simple, and doesn’t require you to stop talking about school - instead, switch it up, and don’t talk about school every day. Alternate ‘what are you going to do about this’ conversations with light talk that highlights your kid's interests, strengths, and things that are happening in the household that aren’t to do with achieving things and school in general. Talk about politics. Serve them some tasty food, and enjoy it with them. If you do that, your school conversations will be lower stakes and more successful.
It’s so important to teach your kids that their performance in school is not how you evaluate them as a person.
DON’T give “just trying to help” suggestions about how they structure their work and time.
When your kid is struggling with homework or studying, it’s so tempting to jump in and share what you did when you were in school, or another strategy you think would work. But this is a trap! For many kids, ‘figuring out what to do’ is the thing they need to learn, so, even if your suggestion works, they haven’t learned anything about how to approach it next time (especially if next time requires a different approach). That’s the best case! It can go worse - if you give a suggestion that doesn’t work, your kid is likely to blame you, even if they implemented it poorly; and if you give a suggestion they don’t like, it can interfere with the good ideas they were generating.
Instead, try asking your kid some questions about their work (assuming they’re stuck and have complained about it to you). Don’t use the questions to give a pre-thought-out response. (Kids can sense leading questions and they hate them!). Be sincere in your listening. If you run into something you kid doesn’t know (like what the assignment is), and you want to help, ask for their permission. Here are some questions to try:
What’s the assignment?
What does your teacher expect in the assignment?
Where are you stuck?
What could you do about that?
Do you want my help?
Don’t ignore their problem because you think that they’ll work it out.
Kids who are struggling in school need help! Even when they act too cool, and act like they’ve got it all together. So, how do you help without over intervening or becoming obsessed with your kid’s schooling?
First, you need to keep in tune with what is happening for your kid in school. This is much easier to do before everything gets stressful, but even in the midst of a crisis, it’s an essential step my clients often miss. Do some research - look through the class website, and read what you’ve got from the teacher. Observe what happens afterschool. Look at your kid’s work. Get a detailed picture of what’s happening in school.
Next, save your ‘school conversations’ to focus on what happened that day, and how your kid felt. Resist the urge to give a lot of tips. As a parent, witnessing what is happening for your kid is one of your most important jobs, and it’s important not to talk over it. If they tell you what they’re planning to try, offer some positive feedback, or tell them a concern with their approach (and listen to how they’ll solve it without talking over them or telling them their solution isn’t valid).
Third, it helps to have a way to talk about the problem. Ideally this is language you can get from your kid! Ask them “so what’s do you think the main problem is.” Gently talk with them about their answer, and share your perspective. Make sure you don’t overgeneralize and that you identify it as your own perspective. For example “It seems like you’re used to being great at math without studying and maybe you’re hitting a wall now?” is a lot more effective than “You’re good at math, you just have to study!”
Finally, offer help, and listen to the answer. You can ask them if they want some advice about how to deal with it, a tutor or peer to help them, someone to help them talk to the teacher, a new IEP or other learning plan in place -- anything you think might help! If they say no, ideally you should respect that (some situations require parental intervention, especially around mental health and safety). If they say yes, check your understanding - “so, I’ll give your teacher a call and see if we can reduce the assignments?” rather than assuming you are on the same page.
In Summary
If your kid is having a hard time in school, they need your help! You can help by cutting out things that might be contributing to the situation: obsessing about their school; offering unsolicited tips about how to do work; or, ignoring the problem. As you talk gently with your kid, listen deeply, and share your perspective lightly. Ask them what they think. The result will be a kid who trusts that you’ve got your back - they might even ask you for your help unsolicited!
